I have entered what I call the age of invisibility. This is the age when you can walk through a crowd at a water park and no on pays a lick of attention to you. It is liberating in some ways (you don’t have to suck in all day and you can wear your 3 year old one piece) but very difficult in others. I used to get a lot of self worth and affirmation from that kind of attention.
I know the whole thing about getting our self worth from God etc. That He is enough. I wish so very much that could be enough for me? I know how narcissistic this all sounds and I am really not as self involved as it reads. But as I get older the lack of affirmation is much more noticeable. Thus making me grasp for things that will help.I don’t want to loose weight for health, it’s for vanity as is dying my hair, getting eyelash extensions (I really loved those) or buying new makeup.
The trouble with these things is that we are not exactly rolling in dough. Anytime I do something fluffy like that it comes straight from some other part of the budget. There is no stroke Kris’s ego fund.
Mommas I am not saying you shouldn’t try and look your best, but there is a line that I cross sometimes. The line where I will sacrifice in one area to get some unnecessary fluff just because I am feeling low about myself. That is where the rub lies. If I really felt that God’s love was enough I would be far less wrapped up in me.
So I pray that God takes away this part of me. I pray that He painlessly zaps it out of me. I am hoping one day I will wake up and look in the mirror and just be content. Sadly I don’t think that is the way it works..To make matters worse at the same time I kind of don’t want it to change. I still really like the compliments. I love getting a new outfit or hair style that causes my friends to say, “You look great.” I get this temporary high.
So what happens when you pray but as you are praying you know you really don’t mean it? You want to mean it but you just don’t. You feel like you still need whatever the thorn in your side is? Let’s face it God knows what is going on. No one is fooling Him.
I am tackling this by acknowledging the fact that I don’t mean it and I still need whatever it is to make me feel good. Then I ask God to at least take away the part that still wants it. My prayer goes like this; “Dear Heavenly Father, you know how I am. I don’t really want you to take it but I would love for you to change my thinking to more of you and less of me. Please make my heart more like yours. Let your ways be my ways. Please let me know you are enough in my heart. And even though I don’t mean it I really want to be obedient. But Lord it is going to take some extra help from you because I cannot do it on my own.”
I am one weak sister mommas. I am just hoping the good Lord appreciates my efforts. Whatever your struggling with,(vanity, unwillingness to forgive, anger, addiction etc.) the thing that you know you shouldn’t be doing but it just feels good. Ask God to intercede on your behalf. Even if you don’t mean it I fully believe God will change our hearts.